How To… Win a beauty pageant

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   (2012-05-01 00:00:00)

Whenever anybody offers you something to eat, shriek and dramatically place your hand on your forehead and say “Calories calories! Take them away from me.”

Cultivate an American/British accent. Even if you've spent all these years talking with your native accent and your sentences are heavily laced with phrases such as ‘yaar', ‘da' or ‘machan' it's time to drop that. And when you are asked to say a line in your regional language pronounce them too with an accent as if you've just learnt it. Also talk softly almost in whispers. Practise your laugh. Don't giggle or throw your head back and laugh raucously. Instead do a delicate, much-practised ha ha, then place your hand on your chest and say: “Oh that was hilarious.”

Monitor yourself in front of the mirror as you walk, talk, eat, drink... when it comes to looking good, comfort can take back seat right? Forget sneakers, sandals, chappals, always walk only in your stilettos even if you are r going in for a shower. Please don't open your mouth too wide, not more than half-a-cm .5 cm while talking and one 1 cm while laughing. Negative marks if judges see your tonsils, and who knows that might just reveal tell tale marks of the gum job you just got done.

When asked who you admire the most, don't you dare say names such as Lady Gaga, Adele, Naomi Campbell... Go with tried and tested names such as Mother Teresa or Nelson Mandela and say you plan to follow in their footsteps and dedicate your life to social causes even though all you intend to do is loll about in luxury and hop from one spa to another.

Finally work on your appearance. Natural beauty can take a hike. Straighten your hair if it's curly and curl it if it's straight, lift your cheekbones, bleach, tan and get whatever nips and tucks you require. Finally, zip yourself into a body hugging gown by an international designer, get on stage, pout and say ‘I love My India' and voila! the crown is yours.